over thinking this pregnancy

I wish I had a full time job to keep my mind off this pregnancy.  I should be filled with joy and at moments I am, but mostly I am filled with anxiety.  I tried to talk to my mum about my anxieties yesterday and instead of being understanding she was almost annoyed at me for thinking this way, I stopped her in her tracks when she was about to say if you think that way (about miscarriage) it will happen.  I am sensitive at the moment so some empathy would have worked wonders.  I don’t think people who have not been through IVF cycles, who conceived easily will ever understand what it is like, how scared we are, how deep of an issue this is, and how desperate we are to start families.

I won’t say much more except roll on Thursday when I have my 5 week blood text and scan.   Milestones!

For the first time in my life I am Pregnant

I cannot believe it, in fact I could hardly comprehend the word ‘positive’ when the nurse rang me on Tuesday.  My Husband had come home to work so we could be together for the call, but in my mind he was really there to be with me to grieve, cry, get angry etc.  I was so sure I was not pregnant.  I have had so many disappointments and I guess I am used to them now.  It took my mind a little time to get my head around a positive result.  For us this is a major hurdle to overcome, to fall pregnant for the first times means that we can be pregnant (if you know what I mean).  After our second round of IVF we spoke with our DR who told us that in the future we may need to consider an egg donor, or an alternative like adoption because of my high number of ‘abnormal’ (his words not mine, not very nice!!) eggs.  So with a total of 43 eggs removed across all 3 rounds of IVF and only 4 c grade fertilisations occurring, nothing to ever freeze…not falling pregnant was where my head was at. 

So, now I move on to the anxieties of the waiting game, and getting through other milestones such as 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks etc.  I started googling miscarriage stats for grade c transfers, but found nothing, and to be honest shouldn’t do it to myself.  Why do we do this to ourselves.

Anyway happy for now, through a major hurdle of hope.  Cross fingers all goes to plan. 

We all deserve the very best of luck! 

Can I just say…

Can I just quickly rant and say that I am always mystified and irked when chat shows invite a bunch of women in, perhaps a token qualified Doctor to talk about a woman who choose to start trying for children in their 30s.  It is such a nonsense segment of any show, and it is old.  No one ever points out the obvious that perhaps these women met their partner later in life or because perhaps they  don’t feel financially or emotionally ready.  WE (those trying in our 30s) don’t sit around talking about the fact that those who have kids at an early age lack independence, travel experience, and confidence in who they are. We (in our 30s) know the consequences…so please stop talking about this, it’s always the same conversation and no one is profound in any way.  And can I just add that studies have found women who go on to have children at a later age, in their 40s, have more intelligent children – http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2147848/Children-mothers-40-healthier-intelligent.html

Sorry to be grumpy… perhaps this is me detoxing after my recent injections!! 

Breaking Up

I love this entry. Just the other night I was telling my Husband that infertility was like being in a bad relationship, lots of hurt and anger. Unlike ‘Where love and chaos reign’ I’m not ready to break up, but when I do I will celebrate with style!

Where Love and Chaos Reign

I’m breaking up with infertility.

I’ve already decided on the date to break the news.

Our relationship has always been a volatile one. Only once did we manage to be on the same page at the same time. It was a good stretch of time. For 9 months between 2005 and 2006 we got along great and we did some amazing things. Two, to be exact.

But 9 months in the span of an almost 10 year relationship – well, we just can’t keep going on this way.

Now, even when we do see eye to eye, it doesn’t last long. It shouldn’t be this hard.

For a long time now, I’ve tried to act like infertility wasn’t there. You know how you can live in the same space but not really interact? Once a month, sometimes twice, I’d be reminded that things were futile. I’d see red and be…

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TTC for over 3 years, we have a problem

Hello Readers,

I hope you are well.

I have finally decided to blog my infertility journey and will start by getting you up to speed from the start to where I am today.  Later I will blog antidotal entries about the journey, feelings, funny things, annoying things etc.  

Anyway as usual it all starts out like any couple would.  Confident and ready to start a family, with no inkling at all that we could be that 1 in 7 infertile couples. 

My journey started 3 years ago pretty soon after my Husband and I were married.  We married in our 30s and I am now 36 years old.  We started TTC soon after we were married because we were both concerned about the age factor (he is now 38).  Still, friends around me were falling pregnant and 33 years old was not too bad, so we weren’t too concerned.  One year passed without pregnancy, 18 months without so much as a scare – no we were concerned.

It was after 2 years of TTC we went down the IVF path.  After numerous tests of both myself and my Husband and absolutely nothing wrong with us (or so we thought) we began a regular cycle of IVF with a Dr who was confident.  Heck, we were confident to and pretty sure that this was going to be a success.  Positive vibes all around.  After two weeks of jabbing myself with hormones our Dr pulled out 8 mature eggs.  Whoop whoop! My Husband and I were high-fiving each other on the way home. “We’ll ring you tomorrow to let you know how many fertilised” our Dr said as we walked (well I waddled) out the clinic door that day.  My Husband went off to work the next morning and we were both excited at the prospect of our call and our fertilisations. Then I got the dreadful call and I went into shock “I’m sorry, we don’t have good news, there was no fertilisation” said the nurse (because this call was clearly below the Dr’s pay grade).  Devastated, would be an understatement.

But ICSI was our answer, according to this Dr (who we later sacked off, his bedside manner was horrible), so hey all was not lost, we would make a success of ICSI. ICSI is when a sperm is inserted via needle it into the egg (rather than let them fertilise naturally, if you could call it that in a petri dish).

Round 2, with our lovely new Dr and we had 13 eggs mature eggs.  Only 1 fertilised and was rushed back inside me as a 2 day embryo and it didn’t stick. We did however discover that my egg quality is poor.  Out of the 13 mature eggs only 4 were viable eggs.  Relief rushed over me at first, wow we finally know what the problem is, then grief struck, oh my god it is me, I’m the problem. (I will write about how these feelings in another entry).

Now we in round 3 IVF with ICSI again, but this time also with assisted hatching (usually reserved for women in their 40s).  This time a different drug protocol was used and 17 eggs were taken out of this egg making system of mine.  6 fertilised – a result in itself (for us) and then on day 3 only 3 (grade c) were left.  All of which were put back in and right now I am in my first week of my 2 week wait.  Torture.  I don’t feel confident and I am not sure if this is a woman’s intuition thing or just protecting myself from hurt.

Anyway I have began to blog as I find myself in need of expressing my emotions, I think this is better for my mental health which is suffering at the minute during this waiting time.

Not sure if anyone is reading but stay tuned!

Meantime – eat avocados! 

 

 

You should eat …

The most annoying advise I got from a friend who was only doing her best to help.. “You should eat more avocados, I have heard they are great for fertility”.  And she is the most fertile person I know, so must be true.  Then I read this article… so perhaps I should have been a little less annoyed and more thankful to her for trying to be helpful.  To be honest, I really do wish it were this simple, as I LOVE avocados!!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2168494/Avocado-diet-triples-chance-success-couples-undergoing-IVF.html